Today marks the one year anniversary of us losing our little boy, Micah James.  It’s been quite a year full of ups and downs.  There’s been disappointment, dashed dreams, broken hearts, fears confronted, anger released, times of letting go again and again.  Whoever said that “grieving is a job” was most certainly right.

I had no idea there was anything wrong with the pregnancy.  I had no idea when I went into labor that night that he’d already been gone for weeks.  Just that morning I had been sharing with a friend how excited I was, how full of anticipation I was for this new little life to enter our family…little did I know he was already gone.

When the realization sunk in that Micah was gone, I could not have been more heart broken.  While spending time with the Lord over the past year, there have been several times I’ve had pictures of angels sewing my heart back together.  That’s what this year has been.  My heart being restored.

I wish it could have happened another way.  I wish the areas of my heart the Lord’s accessed through Micah’s death could have been accessed another way – but I can say without a doubt that in the mix of all the grief and pain, I’ve entered into a level of freedom I wouldn’t have known any other way.  I’ve had to confront death; I’ve had to face my fear of losing one my heart so thoroughly loved.  Those fears had paralyzed me over the course of my life.  As I grew up I lived that fear day in and day out  watching my mom battle to stay alive. I can’t even count how many times that thing rose up in the pit of my stomach in overwhelming fear and dread that I was about to receive news she was gone.  How would I go on?  What would happen next?  I couldn’t picture life without her.

The day we got home from the hospital last September, I had to walk through that fear.  I had my answer.  The Lord was going to guide me through it all.  I’d be laying in my bed, paralyzed by disappointment and grief, and in complete shock.  Then I’d hear that still small voice say, “Go get something to eat,” “Get up and get a shower,” “Go hang out with your kids.”  Other times I’d hear Him say, “Come away and sit with Me,” “Look at his pictures again,”.  Day by day it got easier.  Now I know that I know that I know that if and when I ever have to walk through this again, He’s going to be there with me guiding me and protecting me and my heart every step of the way.  That fear of losing someone I love isn’t so paralyzing anymore; it isn’t so devastating.  I don’t want to walk through it again, but if I do I KNOW it’s going to be ok!

I can’t say I don’t miss my  little guy anymore, because I do.  My arms still ache to hold him when I think about him.  I know, and am so grateful that he’s being held in such arms of love.  He knows no pain.  He is full of joy and fully alive.  I know he sees us and rejoices with us as a family.  To know God has other plans for him is helpful, but it doesn’t negate this sense of loss.  It doesn’t negate the death of certain hopes and dreams.  It doesn’t negate the longing to hold my little boy.

He’s beautiful, by the way.  I just know it!  He’s absolutely beautiful.  He is full of joy and life and waiting with great anticipation for all the future holds.

He will always be a part of this family.  His impact will never die.  Even future generations will carry an imprint of him because he has forever changed us, changed me.  Our heavenly Poppa chose the number of Micah’s days.  The imprint his life was to make has been made.  Now he’s having his impact from the Everlasting Arms of Glory – fully at rest, fully at peace, fully alive.

I am so blessed to be his mom.  I’m so glad God chose me to carry him for the short time he was here.  I wish I had gotten more time with him.  I wish I had gotten to hold him.  I wish I had gotten to kiss his little cheeks, see him smile, hear him laugh, kiss his boo-boos, play with his little hands and feet.  I will, just not how I dreamed.  But in the end, it’s just the way it was meant to be.  I’ll always love him.  He’ll always have a place in our hearts.  I’ll always long to hold him…and one day, I will…

I wrote a poem that encapsulates a lot of this year.  I’ll post it later, though, as I know this post is already incredibly long.  I do want to say, though, that I am incredibly grateful for all your love, support and prayers over the past year.  We couldn’t have gotten through it without you.

Love you all!

Carol